Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Job Search

Since I am semi-quasi-unemployed (I don't know, either), I have lots and lots of free time, especially since school doesn't start back up for a few weeks. This free time has allowed me to do many things and I am actually quite busy.
  1. Update blog relentlessly to make up for lengthy periods of absence.
  2. Harass local elected officials and complain about politics in general.
  3. Search for jobs, all day every day, and share my findings with you so that you can also take advantage of my efforts and find your dream job. I only need one, really, and some of these opportunities are just too amazing to be wasted. Consider me your own personal headhunter.
  4. Wear pajamas as much as possible while showering as little as possible.
  5. Delve into the culinary arts and create amazing new delicacies based only on the items I have at hand since I can't afford to buy new food.
  6. Never sleep during nighttime hours/always sleep during daytime hours.
Below are some amazing employment opportunities from the most recent Craigslist roundup. They're not all in the Hudson Valley, since there's no point in being picky, but who wouldn't want to relocate for a career in selling Brazilian hair? I mean, really.
  1. Uploading porn. Most of those work from home things you see are scams. Crazy, I know, but you can't always trust a sign hammered onto a telephone pole. I guess it's just the sad times we live in. Craigslist, however, provides a wealth of lucrative work from home options that allow flexible scheduling and staggering salaries. Qualifications for this one are being 18. Tasks include looking at porn, uploading porn to websites, and summarizing your porn activities. If you don't jump on this one, you're craze. Carpe diem, bitches!!! http://hudsonvalley.craigslist.org/cpg/2301989804.html
  2. Pretend to be a (clothed) lesbian for $100/hour. Too good to be true, I know, but how could something this incredible be anything but legit? "Be part of a staged lesbian photo shoot and earn $100/hr. NO NUDITY." I wonder if actual lesbians are disqualified? http://hudsonvalley.craigslist.org/spa/2373970923.html
  3. Bouncer. This position won't be for everyone. It requires outstanding credentials, including NYS Bouncer certification. If you are one of the lucky few, I doubt you'll be disappointed. BTW, if anyone can actually provide me with any info on how one actually becomes a NYS Bouncer, I'd be forever indebted. http://hudsonvalley.craigslist.org/sec/2358144144.html
  4. Community Cat Coordinator. Love working with animals while doing good deeds? Then you might be the next Atlanta Community Cat Coordinator! Drive around, catch cats, get paid. Simple. But there's a catch - you must be able to catch very heavy cats, in excess of 50 lbs. You must also have "excellent cat handling skills" (this can't be emphasized enough!) and roam around in extreme heat and cold. But at the rate of $10.00 an hour, how could you go wrong? http://atlanta.craigslist.org/atl/npo/2370575492.html
  5. "Hippies with a flow" needed! I know, you were thinking Groovy Blueberry, but no! This is another Atlanta-area opportunity to sell art. Qualifications include playing ping pong and foosball, have a smart attitude, and be psyched on life. Knowledge will be provided to you by the employer. $100/day is minimum wage. MINIMUM! http://atlanta.craigslist.org/atl/med/2359721783.html
  6. Barf and sell art. I believe this is the same company, but for hippies with a different kind of flow. Same employer, but now you need only a hype attitude. And you're not actually supposed to be good at ping pong and foosball, since the goal is to beat you. And sell art. And barf. Minimum wage is still $100/day, though. If I was one of the stellar candidates who also had a smart attitude and was psyched on life, I'd be pissed that these vomiting slackers make the same wages. But whatevs. http://atlanta.craigslist.org/atl/fbh/2370620240.html
  7. Sell Brazilian hair. I thought the point of a brazilian was to take AWAY hair, but maybe you'll be selling the leftovers? http://atlanta.craigslist.org/atl/sls/2368563580.html
  8. Teach English in South Korea. Opportunities in China also available. Free housing, no taxes, and a round trip ticket. It's like a blend of indentured servitude and a free vacation. "If you like to teach English while travel to Asia" or "proof the English write," this is the job for you. http://atlanta.craigslist.org/atl/edu/2378231590.html
  9. Assistant Montessori Teacher. You probably won't get paid, but your 18-month to 4-year old will be allowed to go to school. You should be "Computer Savvy: Face book, Twitter, PR, Website, comfortable with on line search." You must also "be able to produce any report as the Director request" and "be able to handle multi-task." But there's a catch - you MUST include a PHOTOGRAPH. This is so important that they say it twice. Regardless, if you'd like your child to be educated in this fine institution, go ahead and apply. Just be sure to send two pictures. Or something. http://atlanta.craigslist.org/nat/edu/2370035184.html
  10. KARAOKE BATTLE USA!!! Ok, so it's not technically a job, but you're gonna be FAMOUS!!! For KARAOKE!!! I don't need to say anything else. http://neworleans.craigslist.org/tfr/2348045414.html
  11. Inflatable Ride Attendant. Bouncy. House. Done. http://longisland.craigslist.org/lab/2378680546.html
  12. Photo taker. Get off your damn high horse. We're not looking for Diane Arbus here. Just take some photos. http://longisland.craigslist.org/rej/2347698087.html
  13. CHANGE YOUR LIFE TODAY AT 8:30AM! I'm not sure what this is for, and it violates one of my cardinal rules about not being awake while unemployed. Whatever life changes are in store for me at 8:30AM, they can't be good. It's like what they say about us welfare queens - we're all just a bunch of lazy, do nothing bums who refuse to wake up in the morning and get off the dole. Of course, that's always been true in my case, whether publicly assisted or not. Regardless, if you're one of those sickening morning people, have at it. Maybe you, too, can learn how to type ALL IN CAPS OBNOXIOUSLY ON THE INTERWEBZ!!! http://longisland.craigslist.org/rej/2380241981.html
  14. Sewer. I couldn't figure out why being a pipe with crap in it is a profession. After clicking on the ad, I'm even more confused, since I don't see how a pipe with crap in it can possibly be expected to assemble swimsuits. No thumbs, people. http://longisland.craigslist.org/lab/2382592864.html
  15. Houseman/Couple for Oversea Home/Dog Care. I have no idea what the hell that means. And I'm having major trouble WITH THE GOD DAMN CAPS LOCK. But I like gays, and dogs, and child. So why not? http://longisland.craigslist.org/dmg/2386087558.html
There you have it, folks. The top 15 career opportunities of the day. You don't have to thank me; I've applied for them all and will PWN your ass.

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